Direct video link here. 

Transcript below.  Video and transcript courtesy of Msunderesitmated.

Once again, Dennis rocks!

Folks, as I’m out and about during the day, I’m oft times drawn into a chat with a nonbeliever, concerning the war on terror, and surprisingly, the two chestnuts I hear the most are the two with the most cobwebs on them. Where are the weapons and where is bin Laden?

And the answer, of course, is that bin Laden has the weapons on him, and he’s gone off the grid after moving into an apartment with Kevin Federline: 14:57, 14:58, 14:59.

All right, class, once again, as far as the weapon go, Clinton thought Saddam Hussein had them. Kerry thought he had them. Our phoniest friends in France thought he had them, as did our savviest allies, the Mossad.

Now just as some strident feminists still believe the world is just one big hectoring Virginia Slims ad, Bush haters constantly spawn upstream to the WMD assertion in some perverse "Groundhog Day" scenario, where they rise each and every dawn and start parroting the same whiny refrain.

SEN. EDWARD KENNEDY (D), MASSACHUSETTS: The weapons of mass destruction weren’t there.

MILLER: The whole world thought Saddam had weapons. He wouldn’t play ball. And we couldn’t have a perpetual scimitar of Damocles hanging over our heads, so we went in and we took a look.

And guess what? When Saddam Hussein arrived in hell last week and was given his own access laminate, even Hitler chided him a little for what has to go down as the worst bluff ever in the history of the universe.

Now as far as bin Laden goes, who knows and who cares? If he is still alive, I’m pretty sure at this point, death must look like a promotion to him as he fires up his yak-powered dialysis machine each morning and eats a little lichen off the cave wall.

I happen to think bin Laden is dead and al Qaeda uses him the same way that Leo G. Carroll used the imaginary George Kaplan in the great film "North by Northwest".

Now, I know the CIA says it is his voice on the tapes. But when that assertion was first made, George "Slam-dunk" Tenet was still helming the operation, and he was the very definition of oblivious. To this day, Tenet doesn’t know that Jim J. Bullock is gay.

JIM J. BULLOCK, ACTOR: You’re kidding (ph).

MILLER: Hey, folks, this is just the beginning of this war on terror. We’re already stuck in the past. Let’s get on with it. We’ve passed go already. We’ve collected our $200. Let’s give that money and our support to the best troops on the planet so they can go and flatten the enemy.

And then the rest of us can conduct an immediate post mortem to determine exactly when and where we misplaced our cojones.

Back to you, Gable and Lombard.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS