Again, I have been absent as my family got a bit smaller, yet again.  Please pardon me if this seems rambling, this has been a hard night for me.

This time, it was again a beloved pet, our dog Lexi.

A quick note.  For those who see people like me saddened and upset about the loss of a pet, and are incredulous, I pity you.  We domesticated the dog and it in turn domesticated us.  We grow attached to these furry mammals and in many cases, they are the only family some people have.  If you have never bonded so closely to a pet, you have really missed something.

While I am not of the extreme  types who dress them, and buy funeral plots, I am attached, and the last two that have died represent the pets I have had the longest in my life.

Lexi was born 11-23-2004.  I know this because I have her breeding certificate.  She was pure bred of UKC registered PR bloodlines, an American Eskimo Dog, miniature, a breed closely related to the German Spitz.  The title reflects her registered name.

She was bred by a couple I worked with at the Travis AFB commissary.  We saw her, loved her at first sight and had to have her. 

As is known for the breed, she was a tad high strung, prone to barking and very territorial and protective.  And she lived her life having never bitten anyone or even come close.

As I said, these furry critters become family, and she was no exception.   It is amazing how we accept them.  She was a loud barker, did nervous piddles, ate all the cat food and got into mischief.  Yet my daughter and I are in deep sorrow for we have had a grueling week and a half dealing with her death.

My Lexi had an instinct for knowing when I was upset, and would come lay her head on my leg to be petted, perhaps knowing that it was good for us both.

It was nice always coming home to someone happy to see you, even if it was just to let her out to go pee.

And when she laid in her kennel, you could hear her tail thump the sides when I came to bed at night, happy to know I was there.

I don’t know if it was age that took her, as she was 14 and a half, which is average.

A part of me thinks she was pining for my son, who moved out a few weeks ago, or perhaps a bad batch of a new food we tried her on.

Or it may have been cumulative shocks from my wife moving out, my eldest daughter moving out and my son moving out, not to mention a major redecroation.  They feel the shocks of change, like we do.

We will never know.  What we do know is about a week and a half ago, she practically stopped eating, and the last three days have been miserable as we watched her slowly fade. 

Tonight was one of the most painful nights I have gone through in a while,  as I somehow knew she would not last the night.

And I was right.  Her final hours came this evening.  I checked her at 10, and she was having problems breathing.  I settled her and came back a while later and she was gone.

I wish I had stayed with her.  Not that it would have helped.  But maybe I would feel better.  Or not, I don’t know.

My daughter and I are dealing with a shared sense of relief and guilt at the relief.  Her ordeal is over and we are glad.  We never liked knowing she was uncomfortable or in pain.  Yet…could we have done more to make her passing easy?   And should we feel guilty for being glad it is done?

And should we have taken her for euthanasia last week when she was fading, or was it better to let her die quietly here at home?

And then comes the ultimate question:  What now?  Now it is my daughter and I, and a cat.  Will the cat, who is 11 or 12, suffer in solitude?  Or will she be happy not to be chased away from the water dish by a grumpy old dog?

I don’t know if I can handle another dog.  Not yet.

This last year has been a whirlwind of conflicting emotions.  My grandmom dying, a close friend’s dad passing, a separation and several issues I have not blogged about…enough!

Think of me as a wimp all you want, but I am frayed, severely.  I am tired.

A big thank you to Arrowwood Vet hospital in Bellevue who was the only vet clinic willing to take her for disposal at midnight and not be ridiculous on the charges and billing. ’

They saved me a lot of stress and strain.

As a side note, it is sick how hard and expensive it is to deal with a dying or dead pet in King County.  I do not fault vets, not at all.  I just think that the regulations and costs are hard to contend with.  A huge thank you to my best friend K who offered to let me bury her in her back yard greenbelt.  You were too far away to be realistic, but I love you for the offer.  In other circumstances, Kayla and I would have done so in a second. 

Now, sadly, my burden is lighter.  I can fly to California this weekend for a reunion and know that Kayla is not sitting here alone in death watch.  Thank you Lord for sparing her that!

Kayla…my strong cynical daughter is devastated.  Sigh.

Maybe now, please, my life can settle down and I can get all my writing, my weight loss and my life back on track.

Enough death.  It is time for me to live.

Thanks for listening.