Back in November I started a legal process.  I accessed an on line system to prepare the forms, printed them out and signed them.   In mid December I took them to King County and filed them.  No lawyers to be seen, just a wad of cash for the fee. 

And yesterday I went back and filed a few more, had them signed by a commissioner, and with a quick stroke of a pen found myself in essentially uncharted waters.

I am talking about divorce.  It was no secret that my marriage had been troubled for many years.  We came close to separating 7 years ago, but ended up staying together, and trying again.  In the end, we just decided for the better of both of us, it was time to move on.

Having been through this once, I was somewhat shocked by how easy it all happened.  In my first foray into family law (California style), I was shocked at how complicated and expensive the process was.  A year and half went by before it was complete, and that was considered speedy.  We still ended up in and out of court for the next 10 years or so.

This time, really, it was done in 90 days, and there is little likelihood that it will ever end up in court again.

In California, the home of my first divorce, the laws are so complicated that you almost have to have a lawyer, though eventually my ex and I did learn to navigate the complex system in pro per.

Here, the system is designed to make it accessible and easy.

And I cannot decide if that is a good thing or not.  Is it good that ending a marriage of 18 years is *easy*?

And would more marriages be taken seriously if divorce was hard?

Nevertheless, for what ever reason, in the end the hardest aspect of my divorce in Washington was finding parking in downtown Seattle.

We parted as friends, no fusses, no hassles, no fights.  Our children are grown, and are happy that we are happier.  In the end it was really just a dissolving of a partnership.  Both of us desired it mutually and without malice or bitterness. 

And yes…that is a huge part of why this one was so easy.

And yet…I still have things to consider.

A few friends have expressed condolences and some have expressed congratulations.

I am honestly unsure which is more accurate.

Oh, to be honest, yes I did desire the divorce, and yes I am happy it is over with.  By “it” I speak not of the marriage, but of the hassle of ending the marriage. 

In other words, I take no particular joy in the end of a 20 year relationship (though our friendship which preexisted the marriage, persists). 

It is the end of a time in my life that was both happy and sad.

I raised my 4 children, saw my career evolve, crumble and re-evolve, and I grew as a person.  A child in the next room, playing some idiotic video game, owes her very existence to that marriage.  So, I have no room in my heart for regrets, she is all the proof I require to know that I needed to be married to that person in this time.

And yet…

You just cannot get past that point, can you?

I have been married to one of two people almost constantly since 1985.  25 years of my life, over half,  has been dedicated to marriage and to being in a relationship.

And yesterday, with a few final fees (including parking) and a stroke of a pen, suddenly, I am single again.

If you thought dating in your teens or twenties was sad and painful, try it in your forties.

Going back to my friends.  I think they all wished me condolences and congratulations for the same reasons:  Because they understand that this is just a transition.  That I have stepped from one life path to a new one, one open and exciting with endless possibilities.

And that is how I must learn to deal with it.  No, despite the promises of dating sites, I am not particularly entranced with the prospects of dating again after all these years.   And don’t bother assuring me that I at least will be spared meeting parents…I already had to a few months ago.

But on the other hand, unlike the punk kids dating, I know who I am, and what I want. 

I think that in that regard, I have the edge…

So like all else, when facing life choices, be careful what you wish for…you just might get it.

Thanks for listening.

LSU

Trackback URI | Comments RSS